Leprechaun Ghost Clowns In Love

Hello. My name is Brian, and I write hard science fiction.

Audience: Hi, Brian.

I fell off the wagon again…

Audience: *Gasp!*

But I’ve been hard SF free since 7:30 this morning.

Audience: *Mumble, mumble*

My mind is clear, and I’m proud to say that I think I can make it through the rest of the meeting without firing up my laptop and pounding out a few passages of my trilogy.

It hasn’t been easy these past few months. With my debut novel on submission, it’s been difficult to concentrate on anything but my craft. Will I  be able to demonstrate to publishers that I can improve? Will I have what it takes to make the edits they require? What if an editor asks me to insert MAGIC into my story?

Audience: *Double Gasp!*

I know. I shouldn’t dwell on such things. But, truth be told, not many successful hard science fiction writers were optimists, now were they?

Audience: *Cold stare*

Not that I, you know, have any interest in going down that road. Not at all. There lies madness, or so we say.

But things work the way they do for a reason, don’t they? Why can’t we use the comprehensibility of the universe to aid our readers in their suspension of disbelief? The stories we tell are so speculative, grounding them in current scientific understanding helps the reader to relate, to own the story, does it not?

Audience: *Double mumble*

Wait, hear me out. It all started when I was in third grade, and my teacher explained that pulsars flash because they spin. I asked if that was because they were light on one side and dark on the other. She thought about it, said that didn’t make sense since they’re basically stars, then told me to stop asking ridiculous questions.

It wasn’t until I was a teenager that I realized I had a science teacher who actually had a disdain for science, a disdain for knowing how things actually worked.

Audience: *Nods in unison*

But what if there are readers out there who like that sort of thing?

Audience: *Triple gasp!*

No, seriously. What if there are readers out there who prefer the speculative stories they read to be, you know, plausible?

Audience: *Lights torches and gathers pitchforks*

Why should those readers be left behind? Why should they have to settle for stories about leprechaun ghost clowns when they would prefer something that can happen in a universe that’s realistically extrapolated from our own? Should we not be serving those readers? Should we not strive to create stories in tenable settings that serve to deepen the significance of the narrative impact on the reader?

Audience: *Charges podium*

I brought cookies.

Audience: *Eats cookies*

Anyway, thanks for helping me with my addiction. And thanks for disabusing me of the specious notion that reasonable attempts at plausibility aren’t for the best writers among us.

Audience: Huh?

Has anyone seen my laptop?

It’s a List! No, Really!

Writers who want to give back to the community have taken to making lists of things to help other writers. Eleven ways to kill a character, twenty one ways to not suck, and so on.

I want to help, too, but I’m still new at this. So I thought I’d start out by making a simple list, and once I’m a better writer, I’ll come back and put some really useful advice in place of what I have now.

But for now, here’s a list of… oh, I don’t know — how about the top ten things that are on my mind right now:

1. “Strengths” is the longest word in the English language I can think of that has only one vowel.
2. I’m not a hat person. Not at all.
3. Cars.
4. Something about cosmology.

Okay, so it’s only four things. It turns out I’m not very good at multitasking. But in my defense, that hat thing takes up a lot of room in my brain.

And, hey, that first one is tangentially related to writing. That makes me a contributing member of the writing community. I win!

Okay, glad that’s over with. Off I go to all YOUR blogs to hone my craft at your expense. Keep it coming. I need all the help I can get.

Lameness As An Advantage

Is your writing lame? Sure it is. Don’t be embarrassed. So is mine. And don’t be dismayed, because there’s an easy fix. In fact, you can fix your writing without making it less lame.

How? Simply add a layer of abstraction.

A layer of abstraction separates you from your writing in a way that not only allows your readers to forgive your lameness, but will even entice them into thinking your lame writing is clever and ironic.

Here’s an example: Tell lame jokes, and people will simply think you’re lame. But write a story about someone who tells lame jokes, and the lameness of those jokes will serve to drive your point home. What is your point? Who cares? Readers eat it up, and that’s all that matters. (“Zooey Mamma” anyone? Yes, I bought that book, and I’m proud to admit it. It’s a genius example of how adding an additional layer of abstraction makes the author look like a genius.)

And we’re all familiar with playwrights who have run out of ideas extending their careers by decades by writing plays about playwrights who have run out of ideas. A bad play is just bad. But a play about a playwright who writes bad plays is good. Somehow. I don’t know, just go with it. It’s symbolic, or something.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to write a story about an author who writes terrible novels about a socially inept vampire who makes it big on the bowling circuit. (Just don’t tell anyone that the author I’m writing about is me. Or that the “vampire” my “fictitious” author writes about is me. Or anything about bowling.)

Keeping the Pipeline Full

Getting started is the hard part. You see, that’s the very thing I’m not doing right this minute: getting started. While my debut novel is out on submission, I need to keep writing to keep the pipeline full so I won’t ever keep my (future) publisher waiting for something from me in the way of new material.

Ironically, once I get started, writing is about the only thing that keeps me sane while waiting to hear back from editors. Why do I hesitate? I’ve written about 12,000 words in my second novel, and I have only three consecutive chapters. (I like to jump around.) I need to go faster than that if I’m going to finish this by the holidays.

Enough of this. I have a new chapter to start. No more ice cream, no more sleep, and no more blog posting. I’ve got work to do.

No, really. I mean it. Right after this last bite of Moose Tracks.

Am I Crazy?

Researchers recently studied the language of convicted murderers who have been diagnosed with clinical psychopathy. The speech patterns they use and the words they choose betray their psychopathy to a surprising degree. They tend to speak in terms of cause and effect, as if nothing they do is done by choice or under their control. Ask them what’s important, and they’ll identify basic needs like food and shelter, whereas normal people will mention love and family, or even Star Wars. When asked questions about their motivation, they frequently pause, as if strategically putting on a “mask of sanity” (researcher’s words, not mine) before committing to a response. When discussing the motivations of others, they are quick to assume, and generally assume others are trying to balk their plans.

This research helps me immensely. A character in my WIP is something of a psychopath in that he would sooner see the world burn than see his plans fail. Research like this is helping me to round out my antagonist so he’s not just an old-school, mustache-twisting villain. I can have him come across as a well-intentioned servant of humanity while hinting at his true nature through his speech and mannerisms. I’m hoping that by the time readers become aware this guy is the villain, they’ll think they should have seen it coming all along.

Oh, but I’m still giving my villain a black goatee. I mean, come on, he’s the villain. How could I not?

Think of the Children’s Children

A number of science fiction authors I deeply admire take on the arduous task of social commentary in their fiction. Though I enjoy reading their work, this just isn’t something I’m inclined to do – at least not at the moment.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not that I don’t care. It’s just that I know my limitations. I’m not going to kid myself into thinking anything I write will change the worst aspects of modern society. I’m a novelist, not a folk singer.

Besides, if I were to write a story about – for example – an alien race known as the Baynkirs (yeah, I know: subtle) who come from another galaxy to steal all our money, by the time it goes to print, society might have changed to the extent that money is obsolete, and my commentary won’t even apply. I don’t want to date my work like that. I don’t want to nail a novel’s inspiration to a specific period in history that has come and gone.

That may change, however. Society may take a dark turn I can’t ignore, and I may be compelled to write about it in my next novel. Even so, I’m betting you’ll see it on the ten-o’clock news months before my novel comes out.

I Got Nuthin’

So here I sit, trying to think of an idea for my next novel. Have you ever had one of those days where ideas just don’t seem to…

Oh, look. A bird. Right there on the window sill.

Oh, and look. There’s a cat in the bush next to the window. I wonder what’ll happen next?

And across the street, there are some guys hoisting a piano to the twelfth floor of an apartment building. And a woman with a baby carriage is sitting on a bench underneath it, reading a newspaper.

What’s that noise? Oh, look. Huge, black helicopters are rushing toward that… Whoa. Is that a mushroom cloud? I’ve never seen one of those.

And where’s that neck-deep river of blood coming from? Does it have anything to do with those ninjas dropping from those airships?

Ooh, lava! Hey, look! Blood doesn’t just boil, it burns. I didn’t know that. I wonder what–

You know what? Enough of this! I’m closing the blinds. Too many distractions.

(Sigh.)

Ever have one of those days when you just can’t think of anything to write?

The Best It Can Be

Have you ever written something – a scene, a poem, or even a line of dialog – and marveled at how wonderful it is?

Yeah, me neither. I’m never really satisfied with my writing. I’ve told my agent my novel is done, but, really, if I were to read through it a hundred more times, I’d make changes every single time.

Is that the way it’s supposed to be? Is that what writers mean when they say a novel is abandoned rather than finished?

Just once, I’d like to write something that’s the best it can be, never begging for edit or revision.

Hey, you know what? I’m going to try it right here. Just one line. Surely I can do that, right? The next line I type will be perfect, requiring no edits or revisions. I swear on my honor not to revise whatever comes out, proving I can write something — even if it’s just a single line — that’s the best it can be in first draft. Here we go: Okay, wait, I’m still psyching myself up… And here we go:

Oyrsyut if oerfectuib us fytuke,

Cripes! Of all the times for my fingers not to find the home row!

How Did I Get So Popular So Fast?

Wow. Since I started my blog, the comments have been pouring in. It’s just so humbling and gratifying beyond words to be so immediately and resoundingly embraced by all of you readers. And my book’s not even out yet! Thank you all so much for your kind words. I know it may seem a little self-indulgent, but I’ve collected the most touching, the most meaningful posts here so I can respond to them all in one go.

 No More Yeast Infection Today said:

I am excited by the writings and/or graphics content of your AndroidAstronomer>I’veGotHalfAMindToWriteANovel blog. By reading more I am fulfillment achieve. By standards exemplary away.

 Wow, thanks, No More Yeast Infection Today. I’m glad you’re getting so much out of it. I just kind of throw it out there, you know?

No Risk High Yield Investments said:

Wonderful goods from you, AndroidAstronomer>AboutThoseRevisions. I’ve understand your stuff previous to and you are just extreme fantastic. I really like what you’re saying and the way in which you say it. This is actually a tremendous AndroidAstronomer>AboutThoseRevisions informations.

 You’re not the only one who’s mentioned liking the “way in which I say it.” I am a writer, after all, and I do have a way with words. Thanks for the very kind remark.

Free Porn Now said:

Magnificent goods from you, AndroidAstronomer>RevisionsShmevisions. You make it enjoyable and you still take care of to keep it wise and/or humorus. This is really a great AndroidAstronomer>RevisionsShmevisions informations.

 Thanks! Unusual name there. Are you by any chance related to Leprechaun Porn Now? He left a nice (and strangely similar) comment the other day.

Snow Peak Casinos said:

Nearly all of whatever you claim happens to be supprisingly accurate and that makes me ponder the reason why I had not looked in this light before as far as this subject matter goes. Well done.

 Oh, you’re too kind. I’m no authority, but… Hey, wait a minute…

Lose Weight: Bikini By Christmas Ask Me How said:

An interesting communication is couturier notice. I consider that you should write statesman on this substance, it mightiness not be a bias substance but mostly fill are not enough to verbalise on specified topics. To the next. Cheers like your AndroidAstronomer>AdventuresInWriting.

How come none of these comments are about writing?  Hey, your name links to a site for a non-FDA-approved weight loss supplement! And the guy before links to a site for Antarctic Casinos! Do those even exist? And the person before that–

Oh, my.

That’s it! I’m getting the BAM Hammer!

Alcoholic Singles In Your Area said:

An fascinating word is designer annotate. I cerebrate that you should make–

 BAM! How do you like that? Spam my blog, will you…

Rippin Buns Amighty said:

Attractive portion of content. I simply stumbled upon you weblog and in accession capital–

 BAM! Hear that? That’s my Amighty BAM Hammer on your Rippin Buns!

Your Biggest Fan! said:

Hi, Daddy! I noticed your new blog was attracting a lot of spam, so I thought I’d come in here and wish you Merry Christmas and Hap–

 BAM! Off my blog, you fan spammer! You won’t be hawking your sexy fans here!

NO MORE SPAM! Got that? Moderation is ON, and I’m not taking it anymore!

I can see what’s going on here. I’m not oblivious.

I Have the Best Agent in the World

Seriously. I wrote a novel on the train, and I had the temerity to ask a top-tier New York agency to consider it. Who does that? What in the world made me think that was a rational thing to do? Why would a top-tier literary agency even look an anything I’ve ever written? On a train?

The agent liked it. She pointed out some faults (serious ones, at that) and asked for revisions. Then, only halfway through the revision process, she offered a contract for representation.

Holy crap! I feel like I won the lottery! I can’t believe I could be this lucky. (And, yes, I know it’s not random luck, but I can’t shake this struck-by-lightning feeling.)

I knew I had a really good story, but that doesn’t necessarily make me a good novelist. I thought if I ever ended up with an agent, it would be the guy who lives in a van down by the river, eating government cheese. And I’m almost certain that doesn’t describe my agent at all.

I couldn’t be more pleased to be collaborating with such a wonderful agent. Querying her – something I did as a result of a momentary lapse in rationality – has turned out to be one of the best things I’ve ever done in my professional life.

Oh, and to commemorate my good fortune, “on a train!” is how I’m appending all my fortune cookies from now on.